Support Systems

A friend went out of her way to let me know how inspiring I was to her and how much she admired me for having survived and thrived through adversity. Of course I smile and said thank you, but deep inside it stirred up old feelings. I am sad when I think about alone I was at times. Everybody assumed I would be alright, and I was. I never really knew what was missing in my life until I had children. I found myself saying over and over, after they were born, "No one did these things for me, or with me."

I raised myself while surviving being in a "home" with a severe, non-functional alcoholic single mom. I felt sad for her life, but because I didn't know how parents are suppose to be there, it never dawned on me to expect something else. I did end up with a big emptiness inside, but I had no idea for probably 10 years after high school, where that came from. Her overwhelming dysfunction drove all of the family away. No one really checked to see if I was alright. I could have spun out of control. I could have fallen into a life of finding harmful ways to fill the emptiness.

So, as I struggled and tried to figure out how to construct my adult life, I had no one for any type of support- spiritual, financial, emotional, or physical. I assumed all adults did it that way. I spent 8 years across the country in another state, and my mother called me once, and my first visitor came the day before I left to help me drive the truck back.

I feel jealous when I hear women say that family is coming to stay with them after they had a baby or friends are bringing home cooked meals when they are sick. I didn't have anyone to tell when I got straight 'A's in college as a single mom. No one threatened my ex when our relationships got physically abusive. There was no one to ask to borrow money for diapers or to watch the kids while I napped. I respond in my jealousy by saying these woman are weak and fragile. I wish I would have had the option to have a minor breakdown or say, "I just can't do all of this." I never utter the phrase "I need help." There was no one to say it to.

Yes, I feel bless to have gained these strengths and develop such strong survival skills. But I wish I didn't have a life where I had to use those day in and day out. I think it wore me out early in life. Now I struggle with guilt for not multi-tasking or just being lazy for a few hours. I don't deserve guilt. It's stupid.

I have recently found out that I am going to be a grandmother for the first time! I am thrilled. My daughter lives with us. I immediately made her first MD appt., and myself, my hubby, and her sister came along for support and to see the first ultrasound. My husband bought her the prenatal vitamins and discussed with a pharmacist medications she can and cannot take for a cold. I have bought her pregnancy and baby name books and have already bought a pair of maternity capris jeans and a few beautiful baby items. My husband and I have planned to move her into a bigger bedroom in the house and we have begun looking at all the cool baby gear we will start purchasing.

THIS is what I wanted my life to look like. My mother NEVER bought any of my children one thing. No one came to ANY of my MD appts. But this is how I can let go and move on. I can do all these things for our children. I can make an example to them of how you support and be there for your children. It's a wonder that I even know how to do it myself.

I guess being called a survivor reminds me of what I missed out on. I sincerely mean the 'thank you' when I say it.I am not bitter. I only carry a little bit of baggage. I have been tossing more baggage out the window everyday I get older.

You know what I always say? I am the Glue.