Daughters

You would think I feel like an expert on this subject. But I don't. I am not sure that expert is an option in that field.

I have 1 biological and 3 step-daughters, plus 2 biological sons and 1 step-son. We have been a family for over 11 years now. I feel awkward using the term 'step children'. I have been as much as a parent to them as I have been to my own. And this family is exactly like a family with all blood related siblings, good and bad.Step parenting ain't for sissies.

I love little girls. I love tiny 3 year old little girls who think they are grown. I am looking forward to this with my granddaughter. They are sassy and bossy and have big personalities and want to be just like mommy. They think you are the greatest person in the world and you feel like you can protect and guide them. But they keep growing after that.

At about 11 years old they are trying to figure out who they are without you. They become self centered and goofy. The silliness is fun and sometimes you see your little princess in there and melt remembering previous years.

At 15 they are trouble. They know everything and they see the parents as old and out of touch with the real world. Their identity is weak, so they are easily swayed by young boys telling them they are pretty. They still have the dreams of being someone great, but their brains think only far enough ahead to decide what outfit they are going to wear to school tomorrow. They don't see value in family time. The world revolves around them. Sassy means something different at this age. This is where a mom either wrongfully decides to be their friend/big sister, or gathers their strength to be a rock solid base of maturity and control as a mother. Those beautiful little girls that you use to sit and do their hair, will try to change everything about how they look. And you will wonder why such a beautiful face would want to cover it all up with makeup. You lecture and they pretend not to listen.

So I always thought that the next step was they turn 18 and magical the revert back to the personality of the little girl you knew a few years back. Nobody told me that, and I didn't do that, so I have no idea why I thought that. At 18 the struggle is not over yet. Think about yourself at 18. I didn't have both feet on the ground. I thought I was a grown up, but in reality I was very naive. I still thought most of my identity was wrapped up in who I was with. Or in revolved solely around the mother I had become at 18 years old.

Why am I writing this blog? I had a long text message conversation with my 17 year old this morning.She is unhappy about her life and says she hates it. She says she has messed up everything. She desires to fix what is wrong. In one sense she is maturing. But she cannot see her life past, at the most, 20 years old right now. I said to her that she hasn't messed up her life. She is still trying to put her life together. Mistakes happen so expect them and learn from them.

I have said to her and all my kids, no one has control over your happiness but you.

I sit here and worry. But I know there are lessons that must be learned for themselves. Strong women have stories to tell.

I can only be a support from the outside. She is putting together HER life. I may not, no, I WILL not, agree with all the choices that our children make. It is very different and very difficult parenting to not have the control of the outcome.

All these kids, and most are living in the house today as I type, and I am still feeling some empty nest feelings. When they say that kids grow up fast, you have no idea.

You blink and they are walking away and heading out to be a grown up.

And you are standing at the front door yelling,

"YOU NEED A JACKET! YOU ARE GOING TO GET COLD!"